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July 15th, 2009
10:23 pm - ...music, emotion, running, french.
Yesterday I had to spend a couple of hours undergoing 'skills testing' for a temp agency I've joined. As it turns out, I have no skills. Ha, it's funny, because I'm one of the fastest typists I know, I have two years of numerical data entry experience (in which I was speedier than my coworker who had been there for over ten years) and I use computers every day, but somehow I managed to completely fuck up the tests! My fingers went totally magoo. I actually felt it necessary to tell them: "I'm not usually this much of a goofus."
Not terribly concerned, it's no secret that I have zero work ethic and lets face it, any potential employer will eventually find that while I'm fine at the desk lemming stuff, I usually jeopardise myself via my inability to overlook the invariable 'personality clashes' that occur when I'm in that environment. Don't hire me, I'm only in it to fuel my interest in online Fred Perry auctions.
Anyway, someone recently confirmed my secret suspicion that I am in fact the only person in the world. It feels like that lately. People in my direct environment just seem like indeterminate, inconsequential shapes. The aforementioned person also told me that all that matters is music and emotions. Which is so true, these two things dominate my life in near-unhealthy proportions. I've been overwhelmed by unwanted emotions which I'm futiley trying to stamp out, but as I know too well, me trying to quell my affections is like trying to put out a housefire with a teacup of water.
I'm going to add two other things to the list: french and running. Who knew these two insipid things could give me so much personal satisfaction? I think it's rooted in the fact that I always do things in such a half-baked manner. I always get enthusiastic about something, attempt it in a brief, mediocre way, then abandon it for something shinier...but lately I received some stern advice, that there's "no excuse" not to. There's no excuse to be lazy or mediocre or not be fit or have the body and strength I want - the words keep repeating in my brain....
...At first I hated the running, being woken up by the alarm, the freezing dark mornings with snot running down my nose and frost on the lawns, but it's pretty amazing how quickly your fitness and strength improves in a short space of time and how fucking good it makes you feel. Last night I was lying in bed, and I actually felt excited about getting up for the run since I'd missed two days in a row and just wanted to move. What's oddly enjoyable is when it rains - that day it stormed, getting soaked in the cold and the dark and listening to the Last Resort, I loved it. Then I come in and wait for the world to wake up and I'm like Tigger for the rest of the day.
Oh and the French. Learning anything is fun, when it starts to really sink in. I find myself walking through the city and remarking to myself about things in French, and it's a little bit privately satisfying to be able to do so. So it's been an hour of study a day and an hour of exercise a day which isnt much and I feel quite content.
So uni is back on next week but my interest is pretty minimal. Of course that's no excuse, there's no excuse not to do well. I'm probably just reluctant to be forced out of this extended daydream I've been occupied with and deal with practical things. Potential to go out this weekend to the 'billy thing at the Arty but everyone I mention it to makes the same noise which is a cross between a sigh and a groan, and I myself have been joining in unison. Am I over it? Is everyone over it? When I say 'everyone' I mean, apart from the inundation of victory-rolled idiots who seem to be bee-lining towards their next big chance to dress up and get drunk. Still loving the Klubfoot-era bands (things seemed so much tougher and cooler then, as opposed to this watery wistful Tiger Army clean-production pencilskirt and burlesque competition shit) but, ah the scene these days is more about who has the most drunken enthusiasm, of which I have none. But maybe I'm only seeing these things, these things I tolerated and even liked, moreso now because I'm just...bored. I dont have a single 'billy song on my mp3 player, with the exception of some Klingonz. What do I like now? Tea. Tea, and France.
Also, I dont want to drink. Ever, really.
So it's going to be a weekend of indulging my new-found obsession with chai, the Coco Chanel movie with Ms Bell, french, and running, music and emotions.
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July 11th, 2009
03:22 am
There was a protest outside the front of KFC today and when I peeked inside I was quite astounded to see people still dopily walking in and buying food. KFC suppliers treat and slaughter their animals in heart-wrenchingly appalling ways, refuse to be accountable and dupe the public with their lazy attempts to cover up their lax policies...
"..yes, but I really wanted a Zinger Burger."
What is wrong with everyone? People in general have been pretty disappointing lately, nobody close enough to impact my universe but incrementally enough to further encourage me to continue my residence in the fantasy land I've occupied the past couple of weeks. Generally my life now consists of falling asleep in front of the heater and waking up with a french book stuck to my face. I like it.
Other news: job interview this morning = non-plussed. Dinner at P'ville last night with two of my favourites = plussed. Confusing, as when everything seems like a big Universal sign for me to get the fuck out of here, things complicate this theory, things like 'good friends.'
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July 9th, 2009
05:23 am
Selling off about 50 goth cds in a few lots on Ebay:
http://shop.ebay.com.au/merchant/misstwigg_W0QQ_nkwZQQ_armrsZ1QQ_fromZ
I'm sick of all my 'stuff'.
Yeah, there's a Combichrist cd in there. Drugs are bad, kids.
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July 8th, 2009
04:33 am
Wasting my life away.
Today was Work On My Thesis Day. The books are open in front of me, but all I can do is sit here with a guitar in my lap, playing two chords along to Derrick Morgan.
Woah, Bold & the Beautiful is on now
"yessss!"
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July 7th, 2009
05:33 am
It's officially official: I'm going back to France. I booked my ticket today. For October. I left my heart there, and my earrings, so I guess I have to go back and see what's to be done.
The thing is...I've been thinking contstantly about some pressing topics such as What Will Make Me Happy, and What Is Best For Me, and I've come to a few conclusions:
Firstly, I realised I havent been believing in happiness. I thought my life was happy and just fine really, and I love short-term small scale happy in the "ooh, a muffin" or in a "Spongebob is on tv" kinda way, or then there's the "I did well at uni" or "I have a great boyfriend" kinda happy, the kind of happiness everyone seems compelled to mindlessly pursue.....
..in fact, I experienced great joy only this morning dancing around my room to a Bad Manners cd and eating a banana....
But then I realised that this is paltry (not to discredit either Bad Manners, fruit, Spongebob or study), and that there was actually a void within me that I didnt even know existed until it was momentarily filled (and trust me, I'm always thinking about voids). When I was overseas there were moments in which I paused and incredulously thought to myself "I am so happy right now" like my heart was about to burst and now everything seems a bit drab in comparison. I dont want to try and content myself by carrying on with the same old safe shit here, I'm just gonna go and see if I can suck a few more drops out of life.
Also, did you know that in Paris in the early 80's the government conducted covert cloning experiments, secretly sending the results to Australia? Because there's a person over there that's so me it's like I was seeing what my future outcome would be if my personality ran a good course and I actually did something creative. So either we'll take over the world together or I'll simply have a friend, something quite valuable if I make The Big Move.
In other news, as I was typing this there was a mouse on my leg. On my leg. I'm so pissed that Mani and Aaron let the house get to this state while I was away. Fuck!
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July 5th, 2009
07:16 am
It's not even 7:30, on a Saturday night also, and I'm going to bed. I'm experimenting with resetting my body clock. Was talking to Zac about it last night, he's been trying to reset his so he goes to bed at around 6 and wakes up when it's dark. You get to enjoy that lovely early break of day hours and have a long morning, and go to bed when your energy levels would be waning anyway. I want to get up early for jogging, and also I'm happy about sleeping through the late evening, when I become most pensive.
I'm quite happy about missing the evening as I have lost all desire to go out, it appears. Went out for drinks at Zac and Jen's and I failed at drinking (a skill I once championed), got sleepy by 11 and had to go home and test out the digital photo frame Bella gave me. I kinda just like wandering around in the cold.
Oh, and the jogging. I gained an unprecedented amount of weight during my trip (as a certain friend mentioned yesterday "I could see your hips coming a mile away"). It looks good on some parts of my body but not others, so without making a big deal of it I've been really strict with my eating (following the 'Starbucks diet' I was advised of in Paris) and getting a lot of exercise. Oh, and I'm learning French. So, in short: hiding in a hole and fixing myself.
I feel like I look very silly when I'm jogging, me and physical activity have never been keen allies.
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July 2nd, 2009
08:36 am
I'm back, I'm back, I'm back in Melbourne and I'm feeling...oh, really sad. Is desolate, hopeless, forlorn overly histrionic wording to use? (yes).
I feel like I've left my happiness behind though! Ran around desperately on Monday trying to fruitlessly extend my trip and cried like a baby, hated getting on the plane and be surrounded by Australian accents, hated arriving at Southern Cross Station in the dark and cold, on my own. Waaah! But of course when I think back over the past six weeks I've had a perfect trip overseas, absolutely flawless and perfect and serendipidous and unexpectedly exciting and rewarding and romantic and fun.
So it's surreal to be in my little house again, sitting by the heater with Mani. I've had about four hours sleep over the past few days, I smell pretty funky, look quite ugly
(...what happened there? I recall feeling distinctly pretty and fresh in summery Paris, but here I feel like it's verging on the 'I am not an animal' scene from the Elephant Man...)
and I'm so incredibly over being on planes (particularly being seated beside Spontaneously Vomiting Girl)
..missing certain persons so bad it physically hurts in the highschool end-of-the-world I'm just gonna die kinda way.
I've got a bit of a "so...?" attitude right now that I should really shake off, and just...get on with things I suppose, despite this fucking stifling lack of desire to get on with anything that doesnt involve wallowing or daydreaming about smooching.
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May 26th, 2009
10:57 am
Second last day in aus, so last entry for a while. I'll miss my lil LJ - I went and bought a paper journal today, such is my need to talk about myself to no-one in particular.
Difficult to comprehend that in a few days I'll be mucking around in Germany with Bell/Luke/Bec. Germany! Nutty. And the weekend after that I'll be at some crustpunk fest in the Netherlands (we all know that's the environment in which I'm at my most charming), and then the weekend after that I'll be 'living' with the Swedish punk, and then the weekend after that I'll be seeing Social Distortion (if I haven't died due to misadventure). It's like when the weekend rolls around and you go "what shall I do?" only to have on offer the most fucking enjoyable things you can comprehend, consecutively.
Had such an overwhelming week, researched and wrote a 4000 word essay in four days (a new Alice record) and haven't had time to relax or look forward to travelling, been busy being anxious and angry. And fuck it, there's some people in particular that I'm already missing, dammit. Homesickness is a big issue for me, I'll admit. As is sentiment. And boys, though I'd never admit it to the individuals in question. My handwritten journal will be getting an earful, believe me.
To the couple of people who read this and I give a fuck about/give a fuck about me: you would be surprised how much I'll be missing you. See you in July! xx
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May 24th, 2009
03:09 pm
This is going to sound a bit flakerrific, and I'm sure whoever read this will give their eyes a hearty roll skywards....but...do you ever wonder whether...if you gave all your friends the big fuck off, it would really impact your life?
I'm continually busy, always speaking to people and seeing friends, but..I could probably not speak to anyone and achieve a similar effect.
I had a good night tonight in that I breathed in that smell of beer mixed with sweat and felt quite content with my lot. I had a bad night tonight in that I felt inexplicably detached from everyone. I feel like anything could happen to me, with no major consequence. The Currency were really great and the gig had everything, but I just felt...tired. After a few songs of being shoved around in the pit I was happy to sit aside and watch contentedly. People are always very good to me when I go out, they tell me things about how I look and are friendly blahdy blah blah, but....eh. Today I was going to do groceries and a man in the street asked me if I've considered being a model - I treated him like one of those people who ask you for money, said something incomprehensible and dashed off. I didn't buy any food! Do you think he was a pervert or a 'talent' scout? It felt like a joke. I just dont feel like I exist much these days, I cant take people seriously who dont treat me for the hobbit-hole dweller I am.
I broke my shoe tonight and Garin taped it back up really well, and then later I fell asleep on him and I got the impression he would have sat there for a very long time waiting for me to wake up. Sometimes I think you encounter people who are very good to you and you should be very grateful - I remembered to send him a msg telling him I'll miss him very much. I suspect we'll never see eachother again, he's moving to brisbane while I'm overseas. Canadian punk friend Ben was drunk and ill and for some reason I felt this urge to look after him, as if expending energy on someone else was the only worthwhile thing I could be doing right now. Even felt quite resigned to Pirate's absence, I feel like it's reaching an end there. Aside from that I just want to leave now. Although Bello...I owe him his compliment, and I'm going to make it worth five weeks.
For the first time I'm glad I'm going away, I feel like only transient experiences are appropriate for me right now. Clearly very pensive tonight!
Also had to admit that the arthritis in my wrists is awful. I've not wanted to admit it, but now its causing me pain even in warm weather and it scares me so much I want to cry. Five minutes of seeing a band and pushing around sweaty punks and there's no chance of me picking up a guitar for a while, or doing much. Anyway, I'm dying for a shower. Simple pleasures!
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May 23rd, 2009
07:15 am - "You'll be dead to me for five weeks anyway"
Touching stuff.
I'm a bit peeved at the laziness and general indifference of shitcunts people. I'm a bit peeved really cos I'm stuck home and have to do this essay on kitsch architecture. But really, I'm getting the "so..when are you leaving?" questions from people I thought were my close friends, as if I hadnt been talking about it for 6 months and haven't been totally anxious about it. For fucks sake, I'm going in 4 days. See you in July.
And then I have people I've only known for a couple of weeks offering to drive me to the airport and to check in on my house and Mani while I'm away. And Matt, whom I havent seen in aages and I've been a shit friend in general to, offering to bring me food cos I'm inundated with this uni essay. And the Scientist, because of her travels I wont be seeing her again for months, it was so overwhelming when we said goodbye last night we had to just pretend we were seeing eachother next week. Anyway, going out with Garin tomorrow night to see bands, if anyone's interested in coming for a drink or meeting later in the city, I'll be drifting around.
Well! I know who will and who wont be on my postcard/tacky present list!
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May 22nd, 2009
01:42 am - Who?
They've posted the WGT band program on the website, and....I dunno if it's just me and my ever-increasing skepticism towards goth music, but, really? Is this the best of the goth music scene? During Friday, there's not one band I would go see. There aren't even any bands I would see 'for a laugh' - I mean, you can go to Agra for the giggles of the WGT experience, but, what the f...? L'ame Imortelle? That shit aint even amusing on drugs.
Monday night at Werk II, though....fun.
Anyway, off to see The Scientist, we're going shopping for 'cheap small things', as leisurely girls sometimes do. I'm sick, barking like a seal, and thanks to Whiteboy I've had about four hours sleep in two days. I really do look and feel like shit, but I'm happy.
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May 17th, 2009
04:05 am
Feeling considerably improved. Been lying in bad all day but not in a depressed way for a change, I've just been napping and dreaming and thinking of kfc and of friends..
Although I'm having issues thinking of what to wear so I'm deferring it by sitting in bed in my underwear, writing this nonsense. Made a decision yesterday: I'd been obsessing about recent events, and I've seen how similar acts of betrayal have haunted and completely immobilised certain people I know. There's no way that's going to happen with me. Ramona commented that everything I've been feeling is a normal part of 'mourning', well, fuck mourning, that's not doing me any favours. Even if I have to literally pretend he doesn't exist, that he's a distant memory or a bad dream I had. It was easier than I thought and I think it's because I've gotten kinda lucky with the company I keep - had a fun and happy day yesterday with my two emo's Whiteboy (Favorite colour? Matthew. When was the last time you rode a bike? Matthew. Do you fold or scrunch? Matthew.) and Garin. Irene's Warehouse was cool, I'd forgotten how much music makes me feel better. What a great little scene, the small crowd were so into it they crowd-surfed the guitarist from Circuits in that tiny little band room.
So that physical pain, that ache in my chest has started to leave me. Very much cant wait to see Ramona tonight, even speaking to her on the phone brightened me up.
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May 10th, 2009
02:08 pm
In my defense, why would I denigrate anyone who is in the same boat as me? Really? It's equal to insulting myself. But... doesn't it make you sad, what's become of us...it's not really a bad thing, it's just...happened.....I dont even feel bad about consequences, why should you? All that matters is thst thigs are being fixed, and that's huge. It just...saddens me. If people are proud of their position, fine. I'm not, I hate it! Maybe that's just how I feel, but nobody cares about my opinion, gets in the way of some good gossip/demonising, which people seem to prioritise...
...and, wow, it;s amazing the amount of people who are quite detached to me and my life, who read my LJ: get a fucking life! Hmm...really. This is not for you., it's for me. I always wanted to keep this an open expression but maybe from henceforth I should just buy a paper journal so people dont be total arsehole misinterpretive cowboys about what I say, because people are so voyeuristic and so heartily relish the minor details of other's lives for their own benefit and misplaced zeal. I suppose I should express nothing to no-one from now on, as that is what seems to be 'popular' - people like those who have no determinate personality, right? It appears so, people only like 'appropriate' friendships, or alliances that seem applicable, rather than people such as myself who prefer to post more than whatever panders to their social circle's opinions or what amusing thing they've found on YouTube lately. What is the fucking point of LJ? Updates about boxcat? Lesson learnt: be nice to no-one, curb any honest sentiment you may have. Punk fucking rock. you lifeless wanks.
Anyway, today was rad, but tonight sucked for a totally unexpected reason. I'd mention why but it'll be the fucking headline of MX tomorrow if I did, you boring cunts. I recall now why I dont speak to any of you. Shame that when I want to, I'm not allowed.
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May 8th, 2009
06:54 am
Peddling more of my wares on Ebay:
http://shop.ebay.com.au/merchant/misstwigg_W0QQ_nkwZQQ_armrsZ1QQ_fromZ
That's about half of it, will post the rest tomorrow morn when I can be arsed.
I'm kinda over all of my clothes right now, I just feel zero desire to wear any of my old 'billy type things, or anything to bells and whistle-laden. I'm not really sure what's brought it on, maybe it's been from my recent re-evaluation of my drinking and social habits, but I kinda look back at what I used to wear and I just think....I looked like a bit of an attention-seeking tramp, really. My interest in clothes has really sobered up - I mean, I tried on those leopard print jeans this morning and I just thought "I look like I'm auditioning for the fucking New York Dolls!" you know? It's great on some people, but right now I feel like those clothes say nothing about me, or my life.. "hang the dj because the music that he constantly plays, it says nothing to me about my life"....the fact that I've been wearing a sweatervest for the last three days probably just says that i'm becoming a womble, I'm transitioning into the guy from One Foot In the Grave. I want to go to LA just so I can wear a cardigan at the beach. But there's good stuff there, I hope it finds a more appreciative home. For big money, mooooney!
And I'm also wondering, why do I have so many freakin' clothes and things? I don't even want any of this stuff, I just wanna sit in the dark rewinding my Napalm Hearts tape twenty times a day and wait for my jeans to fall apart at the seams.
Anyhoody, moderately excited about going on the zombie shuffle on saturday. At first I was uninterested, but after some encouragement from various people I'm excited now, it should prove to be a... day. You know what's a bit off? My $2 Barbie Facepaint Palette is very very similar in consistency, colour and quality to my $25 Manic Panic foundation.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/niaha/kitty/ankhappyp.gif) excited
Current Music: Combat 84 'Eight Pounds A Week'
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May 5th, 2009
07:43 am - Gratuitously naff little self-affirming post
Well, fancy!
I got my first big essay back today, which I was absolutely sure I'd totally fucked up and blown, so I didn't even read my mark til I got home. And as it turns out I got a HD, I nailed it. And I did my presentation today and it went so well I actually enjoyed doing it and got really good feedback, my tutor said it was really impressive. And you know what? It was, so there.
So incredibly chuffed, and....proud of me. It occurs to me that I've been a bit of a loner of late, have changed my social habits and made new friends, haven't seen much of my favourite comfort people as one has moved in with their partner and the other is jetsetting...and aside from that I've just kinda copped it big time. I've had so much negativity directed my way, had to deal with other people's bullshit (and mustve absorbed a bit of it) and recieved nada encouragement from mum or anyone...and worst of all I questioned and doubted myself because really struggled with the Honours subject matter. And I was torturing myself but now I've just been reminded that I'm actually pretty good at this uni caper, and I might just do a good job of things despite all the shite I've stomached and force-fed myself. Unburdoned for the first time this year. Win.
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May 4th, 2009
02:24 am
It was tough deciding to skip the Trash Talk/Extortion gig at the Arthouse, but I'm glad I did as I had the loveliest time at Night At the Hop. Well, at first I feared it would be a stinker as we showed up and for about an hour the music sucked ass - it was non-stop 60's mod rubbish, the dancefloor was packed with mods and all the skins were standing po-faced at the back of the pub with their arms folded. The only amusement we could derive was watching middle-aged men dancing to songs like 'Baby Love' (really, watching a male mod dance is like watching slow castration set to music) There were even scooters parked around the dancefloor. Pee-eew!
But then, like a ray of light bursting through a dark grey Beat cloud, they started playing the best ye olde reggae/rocksteady, the skins unfolded their arms and we spent the rest of the night on the dancefloor. Such a fun and comfortable night, didn't drink and there were no drunk or sceney wankers, everyone just danced and were friendly and there were people smoking cigars on the dancefloor and some people had brought their kids, oh it was lovely I tells ya. Watching large skinhead men light up like christmas trees to Desmond Dekker. They even played Cock Sparrer, ahh it had it all. Garin seemed to be a kid in a candy reggae store, he literally knew the words to every song that was played (on Thursday night we'd had similar exuberant fun going to some random bar, insisting the dj play his iPod and obnoxiously slowdancing to old reggae on the empty dancefloor. Showy self-involved wankers, we were indeed). One of those nights that, instead of petering out get really fun at the end and the dj gets chanted at by the crowd for three encores, but then eventually everyone must leave, and have significant trouble getting cabs to stop.
Uni presentation tomorrow. Here's hoping I don't make a total tit of myself.
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May 2nd, 2009
10:33 pm
Thank fuck. Banane Metalik are on the WGT bill. I'm feeling sweaty.
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April 30th, 2009
03:13 am
Writing my presentation for uni. This kind of shit still strikes me with pangs of foreboding. Worse, the topic contains a lot of feminist performance so 50 percent of the images I'm using consist of vaginas, women pulling things out of their vaginas, women shining flashlights into their gaping vaginas, many unkempt vaginas in general.
Been stuck inside this week, makes me go a bit odd. Immaturity with Garin tomorrow though, also looking forward to shining my shoes, donning the sweater-vest and white socks and dancing gracelessly at A Night At The Hop. What else is exciting? This morning I bought 'little things' : adorable travel sized toiletries like hairspray, cleanser, sunscreen, etc, - all suggestive of the imminent reality of travel.
The Napalm Hearts ep is the best thing I've heard locally in a long time, I can't understand why they're not being carried through the streets on gilded thrones like gods, or being given the key to the city or something.
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April 27th, 2009
07:46 am - "You're alright looking ladies but you need a haircut like this one"
The thing about my haircut is that 95 percent of the male population thinks you're a total mole, but when you're amongst drunk skinhead males, a 6 like me gets treated like a 9, just cos I can work a pair of clippers and blew some cash at Ben Sherman.
Had sooooo much fun last night at the Business! Such a blast was had. Bands were great, atmosphere was great, people were great. Even Anne-marie, who has very limited knowledge and interest in punk and Oi had fun. Strange kindof night in some ways.
Too many men! The weird thing is, since Chris left I've felt a little adrift, there's a void...I can only describe it as feeling a bit like a widower. So getting so much attention from males last night made me feel slightly uneasy. I'm not really sure how to act anymore. There was this one guy who was probably one of the best looking skins I've seen - very handsome and tall and tattooed and thick Britsh accent, and he kinda just picked me, it was bizarre. We spoke for about 10 minutes then I had big alpha-skins coming up to me in an almost aggressive way: "My mate likes you, so are you coming out with us after?", it was almost like a transaction, it kinda unsettled me. After the show I was persuaded into going to Cherry with the skins and a few punk types and although it was fun I almost bottled up a bit, there were some big (drunk) personalities around and I felt a bit cornered and not really comfortable with being talked into going into the middle of nowhere with a big strange skinhead with 'Fuck off' tattooed on his arm. Fortunately, one of the punks amongst our group was Pirate, and I was so grateful to have that familiar face there. By the end of the night the dj seemed to be djing just for me and pirate (I heard three Specials songs, heaven!) and we skanked with embarrassing amounts of enthusiasm. I ended up explaining to the skin guy my situation with Chris, got his number anyway, went to the pirate's place with big plans to hang out and be good company but instead I passed out instantly.
So, a fantastic night, but feeling a bit lost and unsure what actions to take. Mr Toad has been talking of marriage and it makes me quite confused. I almost wish everyone would leave me alone because I'm terrified of fucking up.
Oh, and I also got to spend time with my Sth African skin friend, whom as soon as I met him in person I liked him immensely and it was one of those very rare instances of immediately feeling as if we'd been close friends for years. But as I was leaving I felt like I may have given the impression of blowing him off for the others. Will rectify that very soon.
I hate having that much fun, it makes all events in the aftermath suck by comparison.
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April 26th, 2009
01:52 am - "I left my applecore on the ground and it reminded me of you."
I seem to only feel pointlessly heightened emotions these days.
Been getting panic attacks when I'm relaxed. I'll be snuggled in bed and suddenly a fire starts in my skull: "Don't relax because there are probably numerous reasons not to be relaxed!". Before Chris left I was used to being in a continual state of being anxious, or waiting for things to get shit. I was like a horse, sleeping standing up in case a bird lands on its back and it has to run away at short notice.
Gets worse when I make physical contact with someone, cuddles and so forth, I feel like elbowing them in the face and running from the room.
So excited about going out tonight to see the Business. I mean, I was excited, and then I logged onto myspace and 4 out of the 5 friend updates were people exclaiming their excitement for the gig (is 'OiOiOi' really a mood, Soberphobic?) and now I feel so elated I feel like jumping up and down and wailing.
Got a voice msg from Bella on my phone and I literally screamed. With glee.
Found a hole in the bottom of the bin that a mouse had chewed and I screamed again. Trepidation, this time.
Burning daylight today. Vacuumed under the bed, even.
Current Location: Bipolarsville, Mania Town
Current Mood: OiOiOi
Current Music: Spermbirds 'No Punks in K-Town' (not 'Gaytown' as I used to believe)
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lissylonglegs's journal